The Assman Cometh

Jeff Essmann’s public appearances post-session have not been pleasant for him. Everywhere he’s gone the state Senator from Billings has been hounded by by large numbers of angry protestors, upset with Essmann over the his notorious medical marijuana stance.  So when the Republican announced his campaign for Governor, Essmann did it the only way he could find to avoid the angry crowds:  on a conference call.  And a hilariously bad one at that.

Office workers of the world know conference calls as among the dullest examples of life-sucking time wastes out there.  This call was no exception. The call was moderated by State Senator Jason Priest (R-Red Lodge), who did his best to infuse false energy with a stream of inane manufactured pep.  Essmann was verbally high-fived by Priest after every statement with comments like “That’s sensational!” or “That’s really excellent!”  The calls were mostly scripted, softballs like “Mr. Essmann, what will you do to get this economy moving?” or “Mr. Essmann, I’m pro life. Are you?” and similar such rot.

Though it doesn’t bode well for Essmann that at one point, there was a planted caller who asked a scripted question that he was unable to answer. “Mr. Essmann, how do I join your campaign effort?”  Essmann fumbled a little and said “Jason Priest knows about that. He’ll handle that.”

One or two callers did get through with more adult questions.  One woman asked him whether he believed, like 83% of Montanans in a recent poll, that state government is currently being managed with great fiscal success, the highest rating of any state in America.  “What do you think about that?” the caller asked.  Interestingly, Essmann refused to take the bait and criticize Schweitzer. He fumbled a bit, but then said simply “we can do better.”  So far, only GOP primary candidate Rick Hill has taken a shot at Schweitzer, though it was a bad investment because Schweitzer has casually humiliated him on a few subsequent occasions (like at the Democratic Convention in Great Falls, when he said that Hill “started his career down the street at the Sip ‘n Dip.”)

The intriguing thing about Essman’s campaign is that the Rehberg brain trust of Jake Eaton and Dustin Frost has gotten behind Essmann’s candidacy.  Given that Rehberg is at the top of the GOP food chain in Montana, it can be assumed that that Rehberg is behind Essmann as well.  I don’t believe guys like Frost and Eaton would leave the nest, nor Rehberg release his goons to go off and work a campaign, unless Denny were supporting the candidate.

Unfortunately for Frost and Eaton, Essmann is hopelessly boring and insolent, and has almost nothing to offer beyond a series of meaningless Republican talking points that sound like they came from out of a can that has been sitting on the shelf too long.  He’s a flatliner who spent an hour talking reading from a script on his town hall phone call but didn’t produce one original thought or idea.

So if the GOP’s top notch operatives think Rick Hill is the wrong horse and are trying to get behind an alternative, then Steve Bullock is one lucky man.


27 Comments on "The Assman Cometh"

  1. I would like to think that backing Essmann’s campaign is less about the support of Rehberg and more so about who was willing to pay them for their services. Nine other candidates passed them up though, so Essmann was able to easily land the representation of 47 North.

    Most disappointing in the teleconference was the presence of Jason Priest. The fake excitement and planted pre-screened callers (none of the cannabis industry’s questions made it through naturally)defied the continual billing of this exciting world-class event. “I’m sorry to interrupt you, Senator Essmann with two Ns, but what you just said was very exciting, maybe you could share a little more about your plans for Montana with the thousands of callers”. So contrived.

    Numerous callers mentioned the constitution and needing a governor who is willing to stand up to federal intervention. Essmann responded with boasts of his many anti-fed accomplishments, specifically mentioning the “Obama agenda” numerous times. Ironically, he didn’t mention his baby, SB 423. Considering the entire session was spent devising a medical cannabis repeal bill that could escape a veto, one would think he’d be proud of his legislation that ended safe access for thousands of Montana’s ill. It was found unconstitutional, but still. He should be thanking those patients for providing him the name recognition he needed to run for Governor. Now he needs supporters who aren’t also employees.

  2. The Montanafesto site says Essman has had several wives, all liberals. Is this true???

    • I didn’t say several. I said all. All of his wives, there have been at least two, were liberals. Although they probably act conservative now, I can’t imagine Jeff set such a great example that they decided to convert.

  3. Cowgirl, I had the ‘distinct privilege’ of being invited to the conference call (and YES, poor teleconferences can be mind-numbing and life-draining, having done many in civic and military work) and indeed much was ‘planted’ and I didn’t realize the ‘High Priest’ himself was the moderator, so if we know Priest – aka, Texas carpetbagger – is helping his fellow Senator, perhaps he’ll be his Lt. Governor running mate? (We can only HOPE!) with this unique kick-off.

    It sounds like Sen. Essmann was to De-Reg everthing, challenges the feds (but still take the $$?), diminish enviromental safeguards so we can be just like Wyomin’ and Nord Dakoda, and the Pro-Life question was shameless staged indeed.

    The anti-Obama rhetoric was certainly vivid and purposeful, one notch below Hank William’s Jr. rant yesterday (I do like Hank’s music but I must remind him ALL colors play football!). Sen. Essmann waffled on eminent domain, said we can indeed ‘Do’ better than 83% (did he read your post that % far, far higher than Indiana, a state Essmann was praising for cutting public workforce), really?

    Sen. Essman also said he’d establish a ‘Red Tape Cutting’ Office immediately under his administration and put the state’s checkbook online, noble intentions but all that would certainly be VETTED by our good friends at ALEC (see, who are very ‘cozy’ with many of the nullification/secession Tea Party folks.

    I applaud Sen. Essmann’s innovative approach at a town hall, but ‘In Your Face’ always best. Finally, when it comes to eminent domain and medical MJ, the legislature – with experienced public servants like Sen. Essmann – should have dealt with these critical issues IMMEDIATELY at the start of this last embarrassing session, NOT ‘swoon’ over a fellow senator’s ‘Cowboy Code’, the Gold Standard, Havre Free Militias and on and on….

    • Larry Kralj, Environmental Rangers | October 5, 2011 4:55 AM at 4:55 AM |

      Spot on, Publy! I was gonna write, but this is a masterful analysis. And you’re right, the Assman Farteth! The dumb bastard just couldn’t resist a shot at the FBD, the First Black Dude in the White House. What an ass of a little man. Pretty pathetic.

      And I hadn’t realized that mr. christianity anti-abortion dude was such a three time loser! How many times must a family values pimp need to be married before he gets it right?!

      And in my best Andy Rooney voice, didja ever notice how many times these Fundiwackmentalist losers have been married? Guys like Gen. Robert E. Skees and the Assman? And THESE are the morons that are gonna tell us lowly Dems who have been married for 33 years or longer about family values? MY ASS, Assman!

      Let’s have a drum roll for the Giant Nutroll that’s become the GOP guv race! It’s ugly!

      • Larry Kralj, Environmental Rangers | October 5, 2011 5:27 AM at 5:27 AM |

        p.s. And to the Assman’s credit, I just KNEW that all Montana’s problems were the result of a black man in the white house! It’s just so all black and white….and racist all over!

    • Excellent point about Essman’s strange decision to cite Indiana as a state we should be emulating. In the poll, as I recall, Montana beat out Indiana by ten points, when citizens in each state were asked whether they thought their state was fiscally well managed. Republicans love to trash Montana, that is for sure.

  4. Like Montanafesto, I think it is a reach to say that Richy Rich Rehberg supports Essmann. Denny won’t come out with any endorcement until he is sure who will win (and more importantly, who will wash his back in return). If he supports anyone, I think it likely that it will be Hill, as Hill is the most likely candidate to win the primary. The fact that a couple of Essmann’s aids were previously employed by Denny is coincidence. Essmann is paying the bill, not Denny, and these kind of aids swith politicians for the money.

    There is also no chance in hell that Essmann will win. He will pull votes from Miller and possibly Stapleton but none from Hill, making Hill’s likelyhood of winning the primary even more secure.

    • Consider that Frost and Eaton and make substantially more money as consultants for Rehberg campaign work than on his staff or at the party. Rehberg’s is the biggest race. He’ll be the biggest client. You don’t piss off your biggest client by taking on candidates that he doesn’t support. That’s the free market at work here folks. I’ve dealt with several such firms and this is how the money is made.

  5. Mentioning Obama isn’t gonna help him win votes on a local level,and Montanans hold grudges against political candidates for a long time!Essmann was an ass trying to kill MM Laws already in place, and With the middle class people really beginning to hurt because of this economy, … people are gonna want #HCR.

    Eric Canter is trying to kill Obamas jobs bill…. we Americans so humanly need it to feed are families… this is gonna be enormously bad press for the GIPPERS as well!

    Lastly, Now the Dems are finally doing their homework legally, they are very close to retroactively recusing Thomas from the supreme court and that will stop companies from being persons soon… and throwing all that money at Republicans by Rove and Koch will end before the elections, In fact I believe they might have to give it back!

    So Thomas will be forced as well as Scalia from #HRC, because of their blantant opposition to Government… leaving Dems back in control in time for elections!

    We have seen the GOP at their best game, in West Virginia, and it didn’t work… Democrats still hold the Govs office today. I submit it will be the same here in Montana. People are done with the teaparty and the craziness! So Essmann doesn’t have a chance!

  6. N. Dakota is being ruined by lack of regulation

    A friend works as a carpender in the Yellow section of this map. He gets sick everytime he has to go to the Red section

  7. With the circus being created by the growth of in numbers of candidates in the Republican field in this race, it makes it all too easy for a candidate like myself. As long as I stick to the message of sound financial practices, detailed job creation, common sense environmetal work, freedoms and compassion for once the Republicans may be the odd man out.

  8. I would say that Jeff Essmann has zero chance of being elected to Governor–except for the fact that with Jason Priest as a potential running mate, he’s got a chance. Priest could personally bankroll the entire race. He’s got personal (inherited) wealth of Rehbergian proportions. Though if Essmann thinks he can run the whole campaign without making a public appearance he’s got another thing coming. He’ll have to show up in public sometime, and when he does, the protesters will be ready.

  9. Even more boring than ROy Brown?

  10. At least Roy Brown had that whole Count Chocula/vegetarian rumor thing going for him, making him at least good for a laugh. Jeff Essman is the male version of the Debbie Downer character on SNL. Everything he says comes across as if he is whining. Brown was very nasal, so I see the resemblance. But Essmann is a mean nasal lardass.

  11. Just a thought: There are 4 Americans who apply for every open job opportunity! Plus the almost 7 million 99ers who havent been able to find work for over a year….

    But there has been an Average of 7 Rethugs trying for every open government seat in the land! versus two for the Dems! So who really likes the thought of working for big government?? And how many of these rethugs have been unemployed from real jobs?

    Food for thought, but how many of these repugs cant find work themselves, yet are willing to cut jobs to others just like them, if the get elected?

  12. So we’ve got Rick hill screwing a young waitress, Assman with multiple wives, Stapelton’s TV ad featuring a brief but obvious shot of his wife thrusting her breasts forward, Zinke’s california babe getting drunk and puncing a security guard at a whitefish charity event in August. This is gona be a good a season.

  13. I went to school with the Essmann’s and the whole Assman name calling thing happened when we were about 8 and ended with most kids in about the fourth grade……guess that just goes to show that you all have some growing up to do! My daughter questioned me why it is okay for people to say anything they want to on the internet even if it isn’t true….. I had no good answer for that …p.s she prayed for you all last night. and for the record Jeff has only been married twice. Montana girl why don’t you let me know who you are. I would love to have a conversation with you sometime.

    • when you review what our “laughing stock” legislature did last session and who of them held the most responsibility…
      ask yourself…
      what would jesus do?

    • Larry Kralj, Environmental Rangers | October 7, 2011 6:20 PM at 6:20 PM |

      Umm, Michelle, to put it bluntly, no one GIVES two shits who you pray for or who you pray to! Why should we? But we DO care about moronic, arrogant assholes who attempt to tell us how to live OUR lives when their OWN lives leave much to be desired. That’s all. BTW, no one has lied about Assman a’tall? If so, where? WHAT is the lie you speak of? Assman’s a big boy. He alone must run on his record, a record for all to see. It’s all out there. Now, if you agree with his record, fine. But many, many, MANY others are NOT OK with his arrogance and anti-democratic opinions. Why do you hate democracy?

      And for the record, please explain for us just HOW MANY times a rightwing nutjob must be married BEFORE they stop lecturing the rest of us on family “values”? That’s simply bullshit. Newt Gingrich is on wifey number three, and he’s STILL lecturing us! As is fat boy Flush Blimpo. We STILL don’t know how many times Gen. Robert E. Skees has been married, yet HE pretends to be the biggest christian around!

      Before I’d buy any of their holly roller bullshit, I want to hear from their PREVIOUS wives what jolly good fellows these losers were! Does that seem reasonable to you? Maybe you should be prayin’ for THEIR ex-wives! (did they leave them like Newty in the hospital with cancer???)

  14. Respectfully ma’am, next time you and your daughter want something to pray about, consider the poor families that are going with out heat, food, and medical care because of Essmann’s budget cuts.

  15. I have a better chance of being elected Governor than Jeff and I don’t plan on tossing my size 10 LBJ into the ring. It seems to me that there are more GOP candidates than you could shake a stick at, even though you’d really like to. Given the way that the GOP presidential candidates are shredding each other, it’s just a matter of time before Jeff and Rick and the rest of the boys start tearing into each other. Given some of the inane bills that were introduced in the last legislative session, I’m surprised that a bill wasn’t introduced legalizing the caning and horsewhipping of political opponents in chambers! Cue the calliope music….

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