Neil Livingstone’s Guide for Sex tourists
When Republican gubernatorial hopeful Neil Livingstone admitted to the Associated Press last week that he was once “a guest on a yacht full of hookers in Monte Carlo,” few people realized that Livingstone is actually a leading authority on such matters.
Indeed, it turns out that Livingstone actually published a detailed instructional manual in 1997, which provides candid advice for world business travelers on how to solicit a high-quality prostitute.
This is not a joke. This valuable handbook appears as a chapter within a greater literary work by Livingstone, a book entitled “Protect Yourself in an Uncertain World” (Amazon, $3.39 used). It’s one of several books he’s authored. Livingstone, by all accounts a very wealthy businessman, is a self described “international security consultant” who used to regularly appear on CNN and FoxNews, dispensing international security wisdom.
The chapter on how to find a hooker is entitled “Nightlife: Adult Entertainment Districts,” and is required reading for this campaign season. Somebody has posted a PDF of the entire chapter at this link, and in the last 24 hours a few right-wing social conservatives have been emailing it around to their friends in Montana, horrified at the possibility that Livingstone could become the nominee of a Family Values organization like the Montana Republican Party.
Here are a few verbatim excerpts from pages 36-38 of the book:
Never give a hooker your real name. Alternatively, use only your first name. On the one hand, some experts say that you should never take a hooker back to your hotel room or apartment, as this invites trouble. On the other hand, your hotel is the safest place for a tryst.
Select a high quality brothel. Patronizing a high quality, and therefore generally more expensive, brothel or escort service is always preferable to picking up a bar girl or streetwalker. Most brother operators are required to scrutinize the health of their employees and offer a generally safe environment for patrons. Some tony London brothels, for example, offer a high degree of cleanliness and security.
Double Pleasure can be Double Trouble. Never take those two for one deals. When you get the women back to your room, one may rifle through your pockets while the other takes you around the world.
On and on the advice goes. Tips such as “Never let a hooker pay the bar bill” and “Don’t try to cheat a hooker” and “Be careful when cruising for sex,” each with a short paragraph of elaboration. It’s good advice that we should all internalize, in case we ever find ourselves seeking a prostitute while on business travel. There is even a section entitled, “Practice safe sex,” perhaps an incongruous piece of advice to be offering in a chapter about sleeping with prostitutes.
There are several pages with dozens of such tips. It is truly hilarious. If you don’t find yourself giggling aloud then there is something seriously wrong with you.
And after the tutorial on how to find a hooker, Livingstone moves on to instructions about how to find drugs, if that’s your thing. But before he does, he offers one final tip, saving the best for last.
Stay out of trouble by avoiding it. The reason many individuals seek out prostitutes and raunchy nightclubs is loneliness and boredom. When planning a business trip, arrange in advance to spend your evenings with old friends or business associates, thereby reducing your free time. Also, consider bringing your spouse along.
One of the more amusing elements of this literature is Livingstone’s usage of certain archaic terms, like the expression “getting rolled.” I believe that in earlier times (the 1970’s, perhaps), “to get rolled” meant “to have your money stolen.” Livingstone is greatly concerned about protecting the reader from this danger. “If you are inebriated, a taxi driver might try to roll you,” he warns, and advises that you ought to hire a limousine to go find a hooker rather than a taxi. “Carry only the necessary amount of cash” when negotiating with a hooker, he writes, so that “if you are rolled, you will lose less.” And he warns, “Never let a hooker take you to a place of her choosing. She may have accomplices there, waiting to roll you or worse.”
There’s plenty more in this chapter and the book, all worth reading. In the end, needless to say, there is only one person who will have gotten rolled and that’s Livingstone, for having published this monumental piece of stupidity. At present, he’s spent north of $300,000 of his personal money on a fruitless campaign for governor, and will now have to explain his hooker expertise to the GOP churchgoing crowd. And Livingstone is already busy explaining not only why he and his wife were “on a yacht full of hookers in Monte Carlo,” but also why he wrote a letter to Muammar Qadafi in 2011 offering to help get him out of Libya in return for $10 million, a story reported in the New York Times. I always thought $10 million was bit steep. Perhaps the price included some advice to Qadafi about how to get hookers.
Finally, one could argue that this is all good news for Rick Hill, against whom Livingstone is competing for moderate Republican primary voters. But Hill himself once failed to follow Livingstone’s advice. Hill got busted by his wife for sleeping with a cocktail waitress, which led to his divorce.
Alas, Hill could have avoided these troubles by simply reading Livingstone’s manual. On page 37, it clearly states that “An escort is always preferable to picking up a bar girl.”