GUEST POST: GOP Outlines Strategy During Weeklong Retreat in Mordor

This is a guest post by Bozeman columnists  and  , who also write satire for The Exponent.  The graphic was done by a colleague of Pat and Brent.

Mordor

The Dark Lord Sauron’s index finger was conspicuously bare as he stabbed at a Billings Gazette article about Gov. Steve Bullock’s plan to fight dark money in Montana politics.

“What do we need to do to better spread our cold grip across the state?” he bellowed as the savage roar of Republican legislators rose all around him. His thunderous words were well-received, with those in attendance firing assault rifles into the air, beating their foreheads with Bibles and knocking back shot after shot of Roughstock Montana Whiskey.

Speaking from behind the Black Gate, the Dark Lord led Republican legislators during their annual strategy retreat in Mordor. Throughout the weeklong event, Republicans from across the state looked at ways to move their party forward into the 19th century, from resisting any federal attempts to enforce gun control to fighting for lower taxes.

The retreat to their barren stronghold came at an embarrassing time for the party as they stagger to recover from a humiliating defeat in the recent War of Female Aggression. This March, an all-male extremist faction of the GOP failed to overthrow MSU President Waded Cruzado.

The weekend was kicked off with a rousing speech from former congressman Denny Rehberg, who recently took the position of Lord of the Nazgûl following his 2012 election loss to Sen. Jon Tester. He encouraged the party to never give up on their goal of complete and utter subjugation of all Montanans.

“Even Gov. Bullock is nothing more than an afternoon snack to a hungry Nazgûl,” he proclaimed while sensually stroking the neck of his winged mount.

Rep. James Crow, R-Justus Township, unveiled his proposal for mobilizing Uruk-Hai fighters as Election Day volunteers. He noted that they seem particularly effective at keeping young people and non-native Montanans away from polls.

Among the priorities outlined for the coming years were defeating Gov. Bullock’s health care overhaul for low-income Montanans, expanding natural resource development and recovering the One Ring so the Dark Lord may return to full power.

“We believe it is hidden somewhere near Missoula,” Rep. Krayton Kerns, R-Laurel, said as he rallied a battalion of orcs. “Trashing a liberal stronghold will just be a bonus.”

Additional workshops included a social media engagement presentation held by guest speaker Lord Voldemort — who informed the party that hashtags have no function on Facebook and make them look like they just learned how to check their emails — and a speech on effective voter suppression delivered by Benito Mussolini’s head-in-a-jar.

The Dark Lord Sauron told reporters he remains optimistic about the future of the party: “Weekends like these are just what we need to refocus and define our direction. Plus, nothing brings a party together like hunting endangered whooping cranes.”

Posted: April 16, 2013 at 7:43 pm

This post was written by Pat Hessman and Brunt Zundel

16 thoughts on “GUEST POST: GOP Outlines Strategy During Weeklong Retreat in Mordor

  1. Publius II

    BRILLIANT PARODY!! On a more somber note, I watched the blatant GOP manipulation of our referendum process in regards to SB405 to
    kill election day voter registration and SB408, which RESTRICTS electoral free speech by allowing only TWO primary candidates to advance to general election, this KILLING third party candidates, so where the democratic competitve process and electoral free enterprise GOP?? They can’t win on their virtures, so they just want
    to change to rules huh? What’s even more insidious, is the title the GOP insists on having where the word ‘Integrity’ MUST be in the title
    to distract voters and in the same breath INSULT voters saying they’re ‘lazy slackers’ while Alan Olson – self-admitted world’s worst procrastinator – rams and slams his referendum bills off the senate floor on a thursday, by 4PM they are in committe for 20 minutes, then OUT again for final deliberations which prompted the INEPT Democratic Senate attempt for a Call of the Senate.

  2. Kevin Banks

    Good play on the whole Dark Lord, Dark Money thing. I almost hate to ask what Nagzul is. I’ll go ask my kid to google it.

    1. Publius II

      Nazguls are the flying beasts the Ringwraiths ride to do Sauron’s bidding…….I’m curious how the ‘teabaggers’ are portrayed in this, and we certainly cannot forget the Wendy Warburton ‘Militia’ which is
      probably ready to play stunt-double for orcs and goblins, with King Kerns ready to descend upon all with flying cowpies!

        1. Pat Hessman

          Author here. I was aware of the actual term for the winged beasts (Fell Beasts, if I recall correctly), but I used “Nazgul” because it is more recognizable, plus I wanted to evoke the line from the film of “Return of the King”: “Do not deny the Nazgul his prey.”

          1. Larry Kralj, Environmental Rangers.

            Thanks for the post, Pat. Great stuff! Please keep it up. You see, I can’t help it, but for me, personally, the BEST humor is making fun of nazis! They simply lend themselves to humor. All a writer has to do is fill in the blanks, as you guys have done so masterfully!

    1. Larry Kralj, Environmental Rangers.

      It IS a great parody! Luv it! I can’t help it, but these asshole ReePubes are just too much fun! We really must laugh at them, for they are truly comic characters. One of the best remedies for fascism is laughter. I mean, seriously, who can take these assholes seriously when they keep mentioning that they have a hot line to JAYsus???

      Kevin, where do you live? It’s good to have a perspective from around the state.

    1. Larry Kralj, Environmental Rangers.

      Great Falls, but I spent twenty years in Billings back in the day. Loved it there. Went to EMC. When Billings was still a cow town, it was a great town. I’m not so sure I’d want to live there now though.

      BTW, did you ever see this video of Charlie Chaplin? It reminds me a LOT of the Faith, Family, Freedom crowd like our StateTurd, Sen. Kockhleburr Lickspittle, aka Sen. Fart Fetish, aka, Sen. Art Fetish! But did you know that sen. fart fetish is a “word guy”? He said so himself, so it’s gotta be true! He belongs to LICKEM, which is the Kochksucker coalition…..

      bwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

      Here, Kevin, Charlie making fun of the Kockhsucker Coalition:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcvjoWOwnn4

      1. Kevin Banks

        Out on Shiloh Road we’ve got this mega-church called Faith Chapel and it even has an annexed Bible college where they have all kinds of weird doings. Its a full-on four square church with speaking in tongues and all that. I’ve always wanted to try to sneak in there and get some video with a cell phone or something of Jeff Laszloffy getting into the spirit, but I alway worry they’ll spot me out.

  3. Havre Voter

    Haha – that Facebook hashtag thing is so right on. Conservatives want us to believe they are social media savvy, and they they go around cluttering up their facebook posts with useless hashtags. And you know they aren’t doing it accidentally with facetweets because they don’t even know what that means. Really well done, sirs.

  4. W.H.

    Probably video of this can be obtained at the Lewis and Clark County GOP Central Committee meetings.

    with those in attendance firing assault rifles into the air, beating their foreheads with Bibles and knocking back shot after shot of Roughstock Montana Whiskey.

    These guys are a pizza ranch clown car circus.

    1. Drunks for Denny

      My guy Denny Lord of the Nazgul! I love it.

      I hope he tries again and runs against Max. Say what you want about Denny, at least he’s honest and is who he is. Unlike Max, who pretends to be a Democrat.

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