[This spoof article about former state legislator Tom Burnett's new 2013 "study" called "Deceptions in the Hunger Crusade," in which he purports to prove that no one should help hungry children get something to eat is making the rounds via email. While the quotes appear to be satirical, these are the same arguments Burnett actually makes in his new study. The credo is Burnett's exact wording.]
Former state legislator Tom Burnett (R-TEA Bozeman), Montana’s leading crusader for barring hungry kids from receiving food, reached out to food banks today claiming he has new groundbreaking research to prove there is no such thing as childhood hunger.
Writing from an undisclosed bunker in Gallatin County, Burnett said “I embarked on this crusade with a simple goal: to keep basic low-cost food out of the reach of ordinary Montana children who God chose to punish by bringing them up to parents who don’t make a lot of money. And while a battle was lost when voters booted me from office, that dream—that precious, cherished dream—will live on.”
Before embarking on this journey, Burnett asked himself how would Jesus deal with hungry kids, “I myself am most Christlike so basically I realized that the first thing Jesus would do is make sure the little brats and their parents weren’t lying.”
So to prove these kids and their families are liars, Burnett undertook the most most comprehensive, credible and logically sound study of the decade and thinks he is “pretty sure there is no problem.”
“Look, I talked to some random guy stocking shelves at Safeway at 3 a.m. and he basically blew me off,” said Burnett. “Would this teenager have blown off a strange man asking weird questions in the middle of the night if childhood hunger were a national problem? I think not.”
“Plus, I definitely saw a kid throw away some food once, and I have photographic evidence of that on page 7,” Burnett further explained. “So obviously, this whole ‘poor kids are hungry’ thing is a sham to make the food bank volunteers of the world into mega-billionaires.”
Burnett says he also interviewed an Office of Public Assistance worker. It’s obvious that if one worker basically despises poor people and thinks they are lazy slobs, that doesn’t prove that the worker should seek other employment. Rather, it proves conclusively that childhood hunger doesn’t exist. And although Burnett does not reveal the worker’s name so that his interview could be verified, everything he has written has been so credible that why would anyone need to?
Burnett’s latest study, released in October of 2013, is a follow up to his premier work “Childhood Hunger, the Myth” in which he reveals that pictures of fat kids he found on the internet prove that there is no such thing as childhood hunger. Indeed Burnett has written extensively on the subject. Sharing such beliefs as us that not being hungry “kills,”
Hunger is a normal part of a healthy person’s day. One should expect to be hungry six hours per day, the two hours preceding each meal. Satiety kills.
In the treatise, Burnett proposed to create a massive federal food police bureaucracy to crack down on the poor to stop them from buying items that Burnett feels they don’t deserve. Those in need, says Burnett are characterized by “Indolence. Shirking responsibility. Indulgence. Enabled laziness.” He is also the author of “A Thin Slice of Sky” which details how Burnett himself often went without sufficient food in the outskirts of Bozeman in the 1960′s. He’s also published a credo of sorts–stern advice to hungry Montanans. Here it is:
Nine kids. One income, a teacher’s income. Federal Poverty Level.
Work 17-hour days. Expect little entertainment.
Work a full-time job, seasonal jobs, and home businesses.
Get out of bed early. Stay out of bed and off the couch.
Glean potatoes, apples. Gather wild berries. Hunt.
When conditions allow, raise a garden. Raise rabbits, a calf, geese, chickens.
Can, dry, freeze and store food.
Cook from scratch. Use basic ingredients; flour, rice, beans, vegetables.
Cook in large batches. Goulash, Spanish rice, soups, stews, pan muffins, fried or baked potatoes, pancakes, waffles, bread, casseroles. Hot cereal is cheap. Boil wheat.
Plan ahead. Budget. Stretch a budget. Never buy junk food, prepared food.
Avoid fast food and restaurants.
Never waste a morsel. Keep and serve later. Meld into future dishes.
Refuse government aid, free school lunch, church charity.
Lunch: One peanut butter and honey sandwich, four carrot sticks, an apple.
Expect occasional hunger.
Fast two meals per month. Give money saved to “the poor” through the church.
Glean tomatoes and beans on the church welfare farm, “for the poor.”
Forego other spending. Wear undershirts until holes gape. Shop for clothes at the thrift store.
Never waste money on drugs, alcohol, tobacco, or electronic entertainment.
The dignity of self-reliance is not cheap. It is priceless.
Burnett said now that he’s finished proving that childhood hunger does not exist he plans to begin work on proving the moon landing was faked.