Like most Montanans, I looked at the looming legislative session with a certain sense of gloom…Little did I know.
HELENA, MONT.- Religious leaders in Montana today praised the first sign of the Second Coming, more commonly known as the Apocalypse.
“We knew our public servants in Christ would be part of the event, but never did we ever imagine they’d lead it,” said booster club president Jeff Laszloffy at a Monday rally. Laszloffy and supporters had gathered to cheer the horsemen with signs emblazoned with:
“My vote punished man (and more importantly women and children)!”
“Honk if you’re ready to RAPTURE!”
Then, Representatives Art Wittich (Death*), Greg Hertz (Pestilence**) and Senators Fred Thomas (Hunger***), and Cary Smith (War****) emerged from a slightly sagging balloon arch to the ululation of the faithful as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Hertz and Thomas, the Horsemen of Pestilence and Hunger respectively, pledged this week that the will of the Lord would fall on Montanans first–and fall hard. Brandishing a 6-shot Colt pistol, the Horseman of War, Sen. Smith, punctuated his shouts of “Don’t restrict, RELOAD” with shots fired into the air.
“We did it,” Laszloffy whispered, a tear falling down one cheek. It just goes to show you what we can expect when the power of true belief inspires public service. Plus now that the End Times are nigh upon us, Art Wittich doesn’t have to worry about going to jail. Praised be His name.”
*Wittich is leading the fight against accepting the money to pay for health care for the working poor. According to the Montana Medical Association, 300 lives could be saved in Montana every year, if Medicaid expansion were passed. Wittich is also sponsoring a bill that is so illegal that, if passed, cause Montana to lose all funding Montana’s Children’s Health Insurance Program, and the program would be eliminated. HB 442
**Rep. Greg Hertz added an amendment making immunization optional to a bill that was intended to update Montana’s immunization requirements to the 20th century, if not the 21st. That bill is HB 158
***Sen. Thomas is the sponsor of SB 206 which would take help buying food from thousands of needy kids, seniors, and people with disabilities. The bill had no proponents.
****Sen. Cary Smith is sponsoring SB 143, a bill to allow guns on Montana college campuses.
*****Tom Burnett doesn’t appear to actually do anything except spout the cray-cray. He gets honorable mention. Burnett has never passed a bill.