Intercepted Correspondence from Senator Daines

———————-Undisclosed Location in Washington DC——————-

My dearest DC Special Interests,

The thought of leaving you breaks my heart.

The thought of leaving your warm, deep pocketed, embrace sends chills down my spine.

I can’t fathom a night away from you.

Your lobbyist filled parties, the finger foods that dance about on the trays carried by minimum waged waiters, and our secret health care bill that will leave thousands of Montanans uninsured–the prospect of spending even one day without all of that is too much for me.

I know you’ve heard the stories of this wretched time called “recess”.  The legends you’ve heard are true.  As an elected official, I am expected to go back to the unwashed masses of my home state and receive feedback from the folks who elected me.

Oh the horror!

But don’t you fret my love, for I have a plan to keep us together forever.

You see, I held a press conference.  I hooted and I hollered and I made a big stink about the important work left to be done.

I told them Congress had too much to do for us to go back home–but you know the truth.  You know I just can’t stand to be away from you.

Betraying my essence of “more jobs, less government”–I decided we needed more government.  In fact, I decided the only thing that can solve the masses problems is more government.  And while we are at it, threatening the jobs of caretakers, nurses, and hospital employees.

I’d do anything for you.

Anything to keep me from having to face Montanans.

I’ll work through Montana’s beautiful summer month of August.

Deny myself many a night fishing.  Deny myself the joy of hiking.  Deny myself nights laying under the stars.  For I fear that I would look up and all I’d see would be the dollar signs you promised me dancing in the night sky.

Fortunately, it looks like we won’t have to be apart. Mitch McConnell cancelled the recess.  My prayers have been answered.

The sacrifice I am willing to make for you is grand.  Summer in DC versus summer in Montana is a steep trade-off, but I know you will make it worth my while.

Soon we will end Medicaid for the working poor.

Soon we will restore lifetime caps, allow insurance companies to refuse to cover pre-existing conditions, and charge the elderly more for their insurance.

Soon the world will be ours.

Is love a pre-existing condtion?  I hope not, because then I will be left without coverage when our plans finally come to fruition.

But I know you’ll always take care of me.

Forever yours,

-Steve

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8 Comments on "Intercepted Correspondence from Senator Daines"

  1. Doesn’t surprise me. Senator Daines will not accept Montanan’s emails. Why is he our Senator? Oh yes. He is buds with Donald Jr. The Russian partner. I am embarrassed to be a Montanan due to Daines & GG.

  2. I have nothing to be ashamed about concerning Daines OR Trump. The shame and embarrassment should be on the people who did vote for them. People know Montana has thousands of people who had more intelligence than to vote for four more years of the most dysfunctional House & Senate in America’s history. It would be easy to get into a fear mode of what could happen to America because of them though.

  3. Nothing could be worse than what we just spent 8 years with. Look at our other Senator; “make DC look like Montana” Does it? No. He wasn’t a millionaire when he went to DC but he is now. What happened to make that Happen? Who is bought and paid for?

  4. the way my fellow veterans lined up to support these dummies really embarrassed me. I’m proud of my service and I know who was giving those guys in black pajamas their ammo and their guns and who may STILL have American POWs stashed away somewhere. The fact that so many of my brothers-in-arms were able to ignore this buffoons dealing with them is disgusting and i’m sorry to admit, driven largely by racism and misogyny. My only small comfort is that many of those hit worst by his actions will be those who voted for him. I’m just mad they keep making the rest of us pay for their stupidity.

  5. This sounds right. It is quite clear from his response to my email regarding the calamitous Republican Tax Cut for the Rich Masquerading as a Healthcare Bill, that he is going to vote for that monstrosity, though he would not say so.

    • Rattus Norvegicus | July 15, 2017 10:00 PM at 10:00 PM |

      There was an interesting letter in the Bozeman Chronicle last week(?) from someone who tried to get in on his tele-townhall. It turned out that it was basically impossible to get in on the call unless you were, apparently, invited. We really need to hold these chicken shits accountable.

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