———————-Undisclosed Location in Washington DC——————-
My dearest DC Special Interests,
The thought of leaving you breaks my heart.
The thought of leaving your warm, deep pocketed, embrace sends chills down my spine.
I can’t fathom a night away from you.
Your lobbyist filled parties, the finger foods that dance about on the trays carried by minimum waged waiters, and our secret health care bill that will leave thousands of Montanans uninsured–the prospect of spending even one day without all of that is too much for me.
I know you’ve heard the stories of this wretched time called “recess”. The legends you’ve heard are true. As an elected official, I am expected to go back to the unwashed masses of my home state and receive feedback from the folks who elected me.
Oh the horror!
But don’t you fret my love, for I have a plan to keep us together forever.
You see, I held a press conference. I hooted and I hollered and I made a big stink about the important work left to be done.
I told them Congress had too much to do for us to go back home–but you know the truth. You know I just can’t stand to be away from you.
Betraying my essence of “more jobs, less government”–I decided we needed more government. In fact, I decided the only thing that can solve the masses problems is more government. And while we are at it, threatening the jobs of caretakers, nurses, and hospital employees.
I’d do anything for you.
Anything to keep me from having to face Montanans.
I’ll work through Montana’s beautiful summer month of August.
Deny myself many a night fishing. Deny myself the joy of hiking. Deny myself nights laying under the stars. For I fear that I would look up and all I’d see would be the dollar signs you promised me dancing in the night sky.
Fortunately, it looks like we won’t have to be apart. Mitch McConnell cancelled the recess. My prayers have been answered.
The sacrifice I am willing to make for you is grand. Summer in DC versus summer in Montana is a steep trade-off, but I know you will make it worth my while.
Soon we will end Medicaid for the working poor.
Soon we will restore lifetime caps, allow insurance companies to refuse to cover pre-existing conditions, and charge the elderly more for their insurance.
Soon the world will be ours.
Is love a pre-existing condtion? I hope not, because then I will be left without coverage when our plans finally come to fruition.
But I know you’ll always take care of me.