New Law to Require Montana Medicaid Patients to Submit Sweat, Tear Samples to Prove How Hard They Are Suffering

Ed Buttrey Montana

HELENA— In an effort to ensure that those on Medicaid are actively suffering, a new law proposed in the state House will require everyone enrolled to periodically submit vials of sweat for measurement by government officials. 

“We want to make sure that our resources are allocated only to those who are deserving of assistance, which is why all Medicaid patients must now prove they have exerted themselves past the point of perspiration during their jobs, unpaid labor, or family responsibilities,” said Rep. Ed Buttrey (R-Big Fork Great Falls) , who added that each month, in order to remain eligible, Medicaid patients will have to wring out their sweat into official government vials before mailing them in for careful scrutiny by state lawmakers with the appropriate paperwork. 

“These new stipulations will guarantee that people on Medicaid are out there every day suffering sufficiently, completing their mandatory unpaid labor hours, and working up a good sweat, and not returning home at night until beads of perspiration are rolling off of them.” 

“I think this is where literature is instructive,” Buttrey explained further. “We can take a page from Ramsey Bolton and make sure that people have even more skin in the game. Buttrey stressed that the new requirement is not punitive. This is brcaise will offer exemptions from the sweat or flayed skin submission requirements to those who submit tears to prove they are in sufficient pain to deserve medical help.

Buttrey says today he is planning to release a new version of his bill which “allows” people to submit the sweat themselves. He said he has decided that biometric devices installed in patients homes to collect and analyze the samples electronically was too expensive. Those who fail to submit will lose health care. The new version requires government officials enter patients homes to audit those samples and take health care coverage from anyone who fails to comply.

Explaining that bigger government and increased health care costs are something the members of his caucus demand, the new legislation would also create a new government surveillance system. This system will distribute and collect the new paperwork so that a new team of bureaucrats can audit and oversee the new sweat requirement. The bill also aims to make it more expensive to have cancer, access mental health care, or to just generally be alive. “I”m on the board of Benefis Health System, which specializes in higher costs and increased paperwork,” Buttrey explained. “I’m confident we can figure out how to spend more money to cover fewer people in Montana.”

According to reports, the state legislature is also considering law that would require those receiving food stamps to send in recordings of their family’s stomachs growling, and a measure by Rep. Eric Moore (R-Miles City) to require all Medicaid patients to submit to micro-chipping.

“We don’t want people to get the impression that the state legislature might do something that actually helps Montanans,” Rep. Moore said.

(This article is a parody.)

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15 Comments on "New Law to Require Montana Medicaid Patients to Submit Sweat, Tear Samples to Prove How Hard They Are Suffering"

  1. Do not submit to the demands of the Communists!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1KvgtEnABY

    From :30 to 1:30

    • Sigh! REMEMBER! “THEY” are fluoridating the water! Only a matter of time till Col. Guano and the gang checks in :( Going to enjoy while it lasts. Any bets on what Marj and Farty’s new names will be?

  2. Glad to see her back :)
    I promise to make my best effort to refrain from overly-egregious/overly-inflammatory, alt-right wing, sovereign citizen, trolling,….no promises.
    For God’s sake, we put men on the moon, with dreams of Mars today,for the idea of a tomorrow. However, somehow, mysteriously, we can’t figure out how to afford to take care of ‘Nanna and Vets. SAD! Medicaid for all. I’ll pay.
    What, other than hot air regarding the spooky deep-state/witch-hunt/gay/commie/socialist/crypto-revolutionary/Mexican/Muslim “THEY”, has been delivered from the R’s rhetoric?
    Great! Build a wall! Am all for it! Just as long as “deal maker” can deliver on, at least, a $5B down payment from Mexico(Ozymandias comes to mind).
    What are Dear Leader’s plans for infrastructure? I sure recall a lot of promises from POTUS regrading giant-great, immediate, super-duper-awesome-bigly-batman-plans for health care?

  3. Why do we have such disdain for the disadvantaged? We have politicians who are eating at the tax payer trough, enriching themselves through back room deals from those corporations willing to spend money to buy them! One comes to mind good ole Mitch who has managed to amass a fortune while in office! Who the hell are the real users here? Spending money on Medicaid and food stamps is not the problem!

  4. What a waste of time and an unwelcome dose of unnecessary additional anxiety is this content.

  5. This is seriously not funny! And to note at the end that it is “parody” in this day and age of “fake news” the Cowgirl blog should be ashamed! I listened to John S. Adam’s Montana Lowdown Poscast interview with Rep. Mary Caferro and Sen. Ed Buttrey, and they are both working to make good legislation. This blog is a waste of time.

    • Snow-flake vagina probes? Anyone, anyone? Fail to see how the parody is far off from the reality. Seems pretty salient to me.

  6. Very obviously a parody – and a good one at that! Those not appreciating the parody-ness of it are, I suspect, feeling it hit too close to home. So sorry about that. It’s good to be able to laugh over serious matters and then step up and take care of the problem.

  7. oooh, some people all butt hurt… it’s parody people!!! What’s scary is that some took it seriously and were probably cheering. If you don’t like it don’t read the blog, obviously!
    Thank you for the chuckles today

  8. Wonderful to see the Cowgirl back!

  9. Kathleen Stiles | March 2, 2019 2:22 PM at 2:22 PM |

    The saddest point about this parody is I was ready to believe the worst of Republicans and would not have been surprised to see them pull this type of stunt! They love their war on the poor!

  10. Welcome back, especially on this topic to SAVE lives literally by keeping Medicaid Expansion, which keeps RED voters alive also!

  11. Oh my GOD, oh my Holy Father GOD. May the entire useless and criminal and phony Montana Legislature all rot in hell. And I am the adult son of two (2) wonderfully genius very staunch Republicans. I just filed a $4,900,000 lawsuit against a crooked Miles City cop, the know nothing and do nothing mayor, and two (2)state goons employed with YOUR tax money to run DPHHS, who the crooked cop conned into a conspiracy to commit fraud against me.
    As very best pal, Pooh, Winnie the Pooh, would exclaim, “Oh.bother”.

  12. Micro-chipping from Eric Moore? Jesus. Has he been so long sucking the government tit his brain has actually imploded? That is what is wrong here in Miles City with the crooked cops, crooked city council, crooked mayor and crooked city attorneys; they have all sucked the government tit soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo long none of them are ever guilty of an original thought and none of them know about or care about ethics, the Rule of Law, nor anything else because they all KNOW they are all above the law.

  13. Just caught a bit of Gillibrand’s town hall on MSNBC, (no lie, the main show for me, tonight, was Warren’s town-hall over at CNN), her proposal on cutting student loan debt struck me as being particularly juicy. 1 year of public service for 2 years of paid college. She was not particular about the specifics… :(
    I would say that with the caveats, that,1, The service is rendered upon graduation, and not before “they” are useful for activities beyond “shovel master”, and 2, that there are some performance metrics on the job (i.e. its a treated as real F’in job), then this would be a great solution to a number of infrastructure problems that plague the country. FDR’s dreams awake again :)
    I have degrees in both STEM and liberal arts. If I had had the opportunity, I would gladly have worked my ass off for a couple years teaching history, or Greek classes, in Detroit, or perhaps, building the up and coming 5-G network infrastructure in disadvantaged intercity neighborhoods, or even better, local rural communities, for the tuition trade.

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