HELENA— In an effort to ensure that those on Medicaid are actively suffering, a new law proposed in the state House will require everyone enrolled to periodically submit vials of sweat for measurement by government officials.
“We want to make sure that our resources are allocated only to those who are deserving of assistance, which is why all Medicaid patients must now prove they have exerted themselves past the point of perspiration during their jobs, unpaid labor, or family responsibilities,” said Rep. Ed Buttrey (R-
Big Fork Great Falls) , who added that each month, in order to remain eligible, Medicaid patients will have to wring out their sweat into official government vials before mailing them in for careful scrutiny by state lawmakers with the appropriate paperwork.
“These new stipulations will guarantee that people on Medicaid are out there every day suffering sufficiently, completing their mandatory unpaid labor hours, and working up a good sweat, and not returning home at night until beads of perspiration are rolling off of them.”
“I think this is where literature is instructive,” Buttrey explained further. “We can take a page from Ramsey Bolton and make sure that people have even more skin in the game. Buttrey stressed that the new requirement is not punitive. This is brcaise will offer exemptions from the sweat or flayed skin submission requirements to those who submit tears to prove they are in sufficient pain to deserve medical help.
Buttrey says today he is planning to release a new version of his bill which “allows” people to submit the sweat themselves. He said he has decided that biometric devices installed in patients homes to collect and analyze the samples electronically was too expensive. Those who fail to submit will lose health care. The new version requires government officials enter patients homes to audit those samples and take health care coverage from anyone who fails to comply.
Explaining that bigger government and increased health care costs are something the members of his caucus demand, the new legislation would also create a new government surveillance system. This system will distribute and collect the new paperwork so that a new team of bureaucrats can audit and oversee the new sweat requirement. The bill also aims to make it more expensive to have cancer, access mental health care, or to just generally be alive. “I”m on the board of Benefis Health System, which specializes in higher costs and increased paperwork,” Buttrey explained. “I’m confident we can figure out how to spend more money to cover fewer people in Montana.”
According to reports, the state legislature is also considering law that would require those receiving food stamps to send in recordings of their family’s stomachs growling, and a measure by Rep. Eric Moore (R-Miles City) to require all Medicaid patients to submit to micro-chipping.
“We don’t want people to get the impression that the state legislature might do something that actually helps Montanans,” Rep. Moore said.
(This article is a parody.)