A new conspiracy is afoot in the Big Sky, according to a TEA Party Republican state legislator.
TEA Party Republican Rep. Krayton Kerns (R-Laurel) has written on his website that returning bison to the Fort Peck Indian Reservation is part of a communist plot to “crush the Republic” and drive gas prices to $25/gallon. In case you’re one of the few people who doesn’t immediately grasp the obvious connection between bison and $25 gas, Kerns kindly explains how the plot will go down.
First, Walt Disney’s cartoon “Bambi” brainwashed the masses to the extent that “state sponsored worship of the earth and creation surpassed worship of our Creator.”
Returning wild bison to the Fort Peck reservation:
“is the second of a four step process to crush the republic and bring our populace into perfect dependence on big government—just as Karl Marx dreamed”
The third step in the Marxist plot, says Kerns, is that “bison will overpopulate” and soon “thousands” will be “ravaging” the area.
Finally, Kerns rationally concludes,
“The world’s economy will grind to a halt due to instability in the Middle East driving the price of gasoline over $25 per gallon.”
Rep. Kerns is outraged that wild, genetically pure bison have returned to tribal lands on the Great Plains. The move reunites American Indians with the iconic species that has been a fundamental part of their culture and the prairie ecosystem. I’m not sure how Kerns would explain the fact that gas prices have actually gone down since the bison were returned to Fort Peck.
Sounding the alarm about this conspiracy will no doubt be a key component of the TEA Party’s message this fall. How anyone could believe this stuff is a puzzle, but what the TEA Party lacks in intelligence, they more than make up in rage. When a TEA Party candidate arrives at your door this fall to share their anger over this latest conspiracy, do not panic. Simply hold up a book, which should make any tea baggers desirous of leaving your immediate vicinity. (It works like a crucifix on vampires.)
Rep. Kerns is the same TEA Party Republican that compared Georgetown law student Sandra Fluke to a rutting bulldog. Sandra Fluke is the woman Rush Limbaugh called a slut for asking that since Viagra is covered by insurance, so should birth control.